Tales From the Last Resort
by Arogustus
Summary: A oneshot series detailing the daily miss-adventures of the highly eccentric staff of the Last Resort. Past or present, at work or on break, there's always something going on in this haunted hotel. Suggestions are accepted.


**A place to keep all my oneshots in. Feel free to suggest any ideas in the comments. **

**This whole thing was inspired by Dwight's Fire Drill from The Office. Give it a look on Youtube.**

**Luigi's Mansion 3 is owned by Nintendo and Next Level Games.**

* * *

Hellen stroked her precious Polterkitty's fur as she watched the goobs set up a smoke machine in front of the staff meeting room. She had run a meeting earlier in the week over the dangers of spectral fire, a kind of fire capable of burning ghosts, and how to properly behave in the event of a large scale one. And now was the time to test out what they learned.

"Let's see if they've learned anything." She said as she flicked on the smoke machine, watching as the smoke slowly creeped under the doorframe.

* * *

"… and it is such a disheartening- nay, such a tragic fact that the movie industry has deteriorated so badly. They lack originality, heart, passion! All we see today in cinemas are soulless cash grabs designed to pander to the audience's basic desires, rather than films that grasp at people's hearts and leave them in starstruck awe. I fear what will happen to the entertainment industry in the future. It looks so bleak." Morty said with the back of his arm to his forehead.

"I know what you mean. But hey, we still got you around." Gloria reassured her overdramatic friend, Kruller nodding along from his side of the table.

This was just one of the many conversations that were being held as the staff of the Last Resort (plus one VIP) waited for Hellen to arrive. Fishook, Serpci and MacFrights were chatting about Hellen installing an AC system in some of the floors (with Serpci being vehemently against the idea once they understood what an AC system was;) the triplets chatting up Clem and discussing pranking methods; Soulfflé, Chambrea and Potter wondering what the meeting could be about, and the rest simply goofing around the meeting room. Steward, in particular, was standing attentively next to the door, awaiting Hellen's arrival, when he noticed something off.

"Hey, does anyone smell smoke?"

"It's probably Soulfflé stinking up the room again. Ain't that right, chefy lad?"

"For your information, shark man, I was making my famous Cassoulet for a couple's dinner. So, no, ze smell is not coming from me." The ghost chef glared at the snickering pirate shark.

"Uh, dudes, I think the smell's coming from there." Johnny pointed at the door, and everyone noticed the smoke emerging from the other side.

"Ok everyone, let's not panic, this is clearly nothing we should worry about." Steward said as he crouched onto the floor so he could see under the doorframe. "It's probably just… it might be that Hellen is burning incense on her King Boo shrine again, and she forgot to lock the door. There is nothing we should at all panic abo- OH MY GOODNESS IT'S SPECTRAL FIRE! EVERYBODY START PANICKING!" He screeched once he noticed the telltale blue light of spectral fire coming from the other side of the door. It took Chambrea holding him still and Kruller shoving a paper bag onto his mouth for him to calm down.

The rest of the staff started to mutter amongst each other, until Serpci and Potter moved to the front of the group to catch their attention. "Alright everybody, listen up!" The botanist began. "We all had a fire drill presentation about this earlier this week, so everything will be fine as long as we follow those steps. Look for other exits."

His order was headed, and they all started spreading themselves around the room, heading for the nearest doors they could find.

"Wait, check the doorknobs first, see if they are hot! That means the fire could have spread there as well!" Serpci pointed out. Johnny, who was closest to one of the doors, grasped the doorknob to check the temperature.

"It's warm, bros. That's bad, right?" His response caused a resounding groan to pass over the others as they worked to look for another exit.

"Wait, this one's cool!"

"That's the supply closet, Gloria." Potter shot down her suggestion.

"Aye, what about this one over here?"

"Bathroom, MacFrights."

The whole group started to panic amongst itself once they realized there were no more doors to check. And they were fairly certain this room had no hidden secrets either. But as they all wondered about what to do next, Steward recovered from his brief panic attack and called everyone's attention.

"Ok, everyone, I know this looks bad, but as long as we focus, and coordinate, and- "

"EVERY GHOST FER THEMSELVES!" Clem shouted, and all hell broke lose. Chambrea threw a chair into one of the cupboards and started stuffing everything into her pockets. King MacFrights rode Fishook into the bathroom, smashing open the door in the process. The triplets dove into their hats and scattered across the room, blindly bumping into anyone that got in their way. Kruller and Morty screamed in terror as they held each other, while Johnny jumped into the nearest ghost's arms, Amadeus to be precise, as he screeched like a young woman. Amadeus simply threw the swimmer ghost onto Clem as he rushed towards the vending machine across the room. Steward collapsed onto the floor and rocked back and forth in terror.

Serpci and Potter simply stared at the chaos that was unfolding in front of them, having expected this completely.

"As usual, we are the only sane people in this entire hotel." Potter said to Serpci. "It's a sad reality, but it's something we have to get used to. I say we try to calm everyone down so that… we…" He tried to say, only to notice a horrific sight: a potted plant sitting on one of the counters. "Gah! Lawrence, what are you doing here?!" He asked the plant as he rushed over to it and grabbed it off the counter. "The heat won't do anything good for your leaves. Oh, I have to find a place to hide you in. It'll all be okay, grandpa's here now."

Serpci watched as the botanist joined the other ghosts in their panicked escapades. She could only sigh to herself as she realized she was in charge now. "Well, I am all that's left. Not to worry though, I _am_ a queen. I've dealt with uprisings more destructive than this." She started to analyze the room to see who she would have the best luck calming down first. She could see Gloria stuffing herself in the supply closet, obviously trying to find a good place to listen to music. Kruller and Steward were hugging each other as Morty bawled his eyes out in his usual way. MacFrights and Fishook, she had seen enter the bathroom, so they were probably trying to use the toilets to escape. She could see a snake crawl out of the vents. Soulfflé was arming himself with anything he could find. Chambrea was-

Wait, snake?

When she looked at the vent, she could see one of her pet snakes finish crawling out of it, and slowly slither its way towards Serpci. The queen rushed over to it and scooped it into her arms, letting it wrap around her arm. "Amt! What in the name of the gods are you doing here?! This room is nowhere near the right temperature for you to be in! Oh, I must find a proper place for you to hide in. It'll all be okay, mommy's here now."

* * *

A chair smashed the glass pane separating the snacks in the vending machine from the outside world. Why that would be a problem for a ghost did not occur to Wolfgeist as he started to stuff random snacks into his pockets. It was not a proper last meal, but by god would he still try to have one. His raiding of the vending machine was interrupted when someone cleared their throat behind him. He turned around to see Chef Soullfflé giving him a steely stare, a variety of kitchen utensils strapped to his chest.

"Ah, Soulfflé! Excellent, at least you have the mind to help me. I need you to prepare me a last meal as soon as possible!" Wolfgeist hurriedly explained.

"I'm afraid I won't be doing zat." The pianist turned to stare at the French chef in confusion. "For years, I've had to deal with ghosts making idiotic complaints about my food. But you! You were the worst of zem all. Constantly criticizing every minute detail of my dishes, no matter how stupid. You remember ze time you found a hair in your soup, and never realized that it was yours? I remember." The chef pulled out a spoon and pointed it threateningly at Wolfgeist. "As ze head chef of zis hotel, I am officially claiming all of ze food in the vending machine as my own! Hand zem over to me immediately or learn why all ze incompetent chefs I've met fear my spoon skills!"

The pianist could only laugh at the chef's threat. "A spoon? Really? You do realize who you're facing off against, correct? Know your place chef!"

"I'm afraid that vending machine belongs to me, dudes." The two arguing ghosts turned to see the recipient of the voice, Johnny Deepend, approaching them. "I need all the food I can get so that the fire doesn't burn away all my muscles. If I can build up enough ghost fat, I'll be able to survive without a problem. So, move over, bro's!"

The three ghosts stared each other down, awaiting who would be brave (and crazy) enough to perform the first move…

Before Soulfflé could even react to the battle cry, he found a muscular fist meeting his face. Johnny punched the chef hard enough to propel him to the other side of the room. He then turned towards the pianist, but not fast enough to dodge the giant hands that wrapped around his body. The swimmer struggled to free himself from the pianists ever tightening fast, only for the latter to stop when a plate smashed onto his face. Chef Soulfflé had recovered from Johnny's powerful punch and started launching several plates at them. The distraction having loosened the pianists grip, Johnny pivoted his body around hard enough to launch Amadeus into the chef. With the two tangled in each other, Johnny rushed over to them to continue the fight.

Somewhere just far away enough to not get caught up in the action, Morty completely forgot about the spectral fire drama and took out a notebook form under his cap, jotting down everything he saw so that he could use as inspiration for his films. At least someone in the room had their priorities straight.

Somewhat.

* * *

"We're all gonna die again!" Ginny wailed as she rocked back and forth on the floor. Once they had calmed down, the triplets reconvened by the supply closet door, the beats of Gloria's music resonating through the doorframe.

"No, we're not, Ginny!" Lindsey was pacing back and forth, contemplating an escape plan. "We just need something to blow a hole through the wall. Where's Nikki?" She asked Ginny, who pointed to one of the doors. She saw as Nikki, with the help of Potter, tried to drive the printing machine into the door like a battering ram. They slammed it into the door, but the door refused to budge. Potter threw his arms into the air and simply left to look for a hiding place for his plant, while Nikki huffed in anger and made her way back to her sisters.

"Guh! The stupid doors won't budge! Do you two have any ideas?"

"Yeah, explosions. Maybe there's stuff in the supply closet we could use to blow open a hole."

"Maybe Clem can help? He knows stuff about cleaning stuff, right?" Ginny pointed out as she got up off the floor. The mechanic ghost _did_ know how to mix drain cleaners together to cause explosions. Perhaps he would know how to make something more powerful? But to do that, the triplets had to _find_ the mechanic. They spread away from the supply closet door, trying to locate the lazy mechanic.

Once they left, Chambrea rushed towards the door and slammed it open, startling the DJ inside.

"Hey, what the hell, Chambrea?!"

"I'm sorry, miss Gloria, but I'm kind of running on base instincts at the moment." The maid said as she grabbed the smaller ghost and relocated her to outside the supply closet, dusting off some dust of the DJ's shoulders once she plopped her down the floor, and grabbing at everything in the closet and stuffing it down her pockets. Pretty soon, she would be eating the things she took once her pockets fill up completely. The DJ stared at the maid for a moment before returning to letting her tunes soothe her panicking soul. But a few seconds into the song, she saw as Serpci came into view, taking a peek into the supply closet for a few seconds before rushing off to look someplace else. The snake wrapped around her arm was the only clue she needed to deduce that the usually levelheaded queen was panicking about finding a place to keep her precious baby safe. Worry for her girlfriends' mental state overcoming her panic, she got up off the floor and made her way to the panicking queen.

Chambrea, meanwhile, finished stuffing whatever caught her eye into her pockets and left the closet. She could see the smoke in the room increase, but she found it odd that it didn't smell like smoke at all. She could also see Soulfflé use a frying pan to slam Johnny into the wall, causing it to crack and reveal a hidden compartment containing some gold bars. Her maid instincts kicked in as she rushed over to the wall, ignoring as a certain mall cop and bellhop, the latter in the former's arms, rushed inside the supply closet and closed the door behind them, intent on experiencing second death in each others arms like most tragic romances.

* * *

"Ok, which one of us is gonna do the thing?" Fishook said out loud as he and MacFrights stared at one of the toilets in the bathroom.

"I say you. Last I remember, you we're the one who flushed 'imself down the toilet the most a couple o' years back."

"Good point. If I can do it by accident, then I can do it on purpose. Help me stick me tail in the thing."

The two worked together to maneuver Fishook's tail into the toilet bowl. Once ready, MacFrights moved to the flusher and waited for Fishook's signal.

"Alright, matey. Flush away!" The shark ordered, and the king gave a salute to him before pushing the flusher, initiating the toilet's main power. The ghost pirate started to spin around as he was slowly sucked into the toilet…

Until he suddenly stops, his head and hook fin still sticking out of the toilet bowl. He tried to struggle and wiggle himself further inside, to no avail. Once he realized how stuck he really was, he turned towards MacFrights general direction.

"I'm stuck."

A few seconds of silence passed before MacFrights worked on pushing the shark ghost further into the toilet. He tried bouncing on Fishook's head, to the severe irritation of the shark himself (_"Ow. Watch it- Gah! Ya realize how painful that is for me?"_) He tried repeatedly to flush the toilet, but that did nothing (other than drain the ghost's health,) and even using the plunger, until they realized there was nothing they could do with it.

"Nothin's working! I'll look for a sledgehammer!"

"No no no! Just- just leave me here. Go save yerself. Use the toilet in the next stall. And if ya get out, tell everyone that I died again, trying to fight the flames bravely."

Tears welled up in the Scotsman's eyes as he patted his shark friend on the head. "You we're a great ally- nay, a great friend! I'll tell all your stories to everyone."

"Thanks, matey. Oh, and if you see Serpci, tell her that if she makes it out, she can have total ownership of my floor. The deed's in my skeleton. She should know where to find it."

MacFrights made his way to the other stall, waving farewell to the trapped pirate. He opened the door to the stall next door…

Only to find Clem in the exact same position as Fishook: stuck in the toilet. The mechanic, for his part, casually greeted the surprised king with a "howdy," seemingly at peace with his situation.

"Heard ya two had the same idea as me. Glad we got that in common." He said. "You go now and hang out with yer friend. He'll like the company."

"I actually would. Lemme tell ya, this is very uncomfortable fer me."

MacFrights nodded to Clem before returning to the other stall. Clem sighed to himself as he awaited the spectral fire to arrive. He died the way he lived: in the sewers, and by golly was he gonna do it again. The toilet was the next best thing.

Suddenly, the bathroom door slammed open, a knife whizzing through the air and slamming just above the mechanics head. The triplets peeked their heads through the door, and once they noticed him, immediately rushed towards him.

"Clem!"

"We need your help!"

"Why are you stuck in a toilet again?"

"Girls, girls, calm down! What's got ya'll in such a rush? Ya know, apart from impending second death?" He asked the triplets.

"We have an idea on how to get out." Nikki revealed as she pulled a bottle of drain cleaner out of her hat. "Do you remember that prank we did on Mister Wolfgeist? What if we did it bigger?"

The mechanic tried to scratch his chin in thought, only to remember most of his body was stuck in the toilet. Ginny, ever the helpful sort, helped him out by scratching his chin for him, allowing him to contemplate properly. "That sounds like it could work. But we're gonna need a lot more than just a single bottle. If ya three want a big boom, you'll need the following." Before he could start explaining, MacFrights suddenly burst into the stall.

"Did someone say boom?"

"Good, you can help too. Alright what you'll need is…" Clem gave the triplets and MacFrights a list of things to get for him. Once the mechanic was finished, the quartet left the bathrooms, making a beeline straight for the supply closet.

* * *

Serpci opened one of the cupboards, looking inside of it frantically before slamming it shut. Neither she nor Potter could find a safe, heat resistant place to hide their precious cargo and it was starting to get to them. Potter was still trying to smash open the door with the printer, to no avail. Trying again only resulted in Wolfgeist grabbing the machine and throwing it at Johnny before the botanist could even begin pushing. Gloria, having witnessed the whole thing, approached the panicking queen and got her attention with a quick pat on her shoulder.

"Hey, babe. Ya doin alright?"

The queen turned around and grasped her by the shoulders. "Oh, Glory, what will I do! I'm supposed to be a queen! I should be able to protect my people and guide them to a better life! And yet, I can't even save a simple snake." She showed Gloria the snake wrapped around her arm, who stuck out his tongue at her. "I'm a failure as a queen and as a mother, Gloria. Who'll take care of the others?"

"If you need a place to hide him, my wig is fire retardant?" The DJ offered.

"Re- really?" Serpci stated. "But you hate people seeing you without your wig?"

"This is way more important than my self-esteem issues, babe." Gloria said as she took of her wig, revealing her short black hair, and offered it to the snake. The serpent inspected the giant hair piece for a few seconds before slowly slithering inside, fitting snuggly inside it. Dr. Potter took notice of this and rushed towards the two.

"Is there space for Lawrence?" He asked the DJ, who simply handed over the wig to the botanist. He thanked her and flew away to look for a proper hiding spot. The DJ, while muttering to herself about 'dying while looking like an idiot again', stared at the door as smoke continued to creep into the room, and going completely ignored by everyone.

"Hey, the smokes getting pretty strong, shouldn't we be doing some- " She tried to say, only to be interrupted by Serpci planting a kiss on her lips. Once she was finished, she lifted the smaller ghost into her arms.

"What we'll be doing is rewarding your kind deed with romance, understood?"

"Ooh, there's the supply closet."

"Perfect."

Serpci flew to the supply closet with her precious cargo, phasing through the door and ignoring the indignant shouts of Kruller and Steward. Outside, the triplets grimaced after they saw the two kiss, romance being not at all appealing to them. They made their way back to the bathrooms once MacFrights finished explaining their plan to Chambrea, the latter still having the stuff she stole from the closet on her person.

On the other side of the room, Johnny grabbed one of the still intact tables and held it in front of him like a shield, using it to protect himself from the stray dishes Soulfflé was throwing at Wolfgeist. The latter failed to notice Johnny charge at him and was slammed by the table, while Soulfflé gracefully jumped out of the way and let the swimmer slam Wolfgeist into the wall. He took the chance to slam a frying pan on Johnny's head, knocking him out for good. Checking the squashed form of the pianist to see that he was unconscious, the chef raised his frying pan in the air in triumph, basking in the praise that Morty was providing from the other side of the room.

"Bravo! I've never seen such a spectacular fight anywhere in cinema! I hope you don't mind if I use it as inspiration for my films."

"Just put my name in the credits. Right now, I have a vending machine to claim." The chef started to strut his way to the vending machine, only to bump into someone. Soulfflé tried to glare at the culprit, only for it to falter once he saw Hellen Gravely, his employer, standing right in front of him. Her mere presence was enough to call everyone's attention, as Potter and Morty stood in front of her; Johnny and Amadeus regained consciousness and took notice of her, and Kruller, Steward, Serpci and Gloria peaked out of the supply closet to see what the awkward silence was about.

"This was supposed to be a simple training exercise." The hotel owner began. "I would simulate a fire, and I would watch as you idiots followed what they learned and dealt with the problem like I trained you. But instead, I watch as everything instantly falls apart, three idiots fight over a vending machine; two get themselves stuck in toilets, and four abandon responsibility and start cuddling each other in the supply closet." She focused her glare on Serpci and Potter. "And you two are supposed to be the smart ones. I guess that's what happens when you bring in people's weaknesses into the situation." She started to rub her forehead in anger. "Just- just leave, and head back to your floors."

The staff followed her order, floating out the staff room with heads hung down in shame. Steward stopped in front of Hellen and stared at her hopefully, wanting to ask her a question.

"Yes, I am docking your pay."

Steward sulked as he left the room with the others. It was then that Hellen noticed a few people missing and headed towards the bathrooms to confront them. Just as she arrived, the room exploded, barely knocking her over and blasting off her makeup in the process. Once the dust settled, she saw as the triplets, Chambrea, Clem, MacFrights and Fishook were sprawled across the remains of the bathroom.

"Whoowee! Now that's an explosion!" Clem hooted, only to notice the hateful glare of the disheveled hotel owner. "Uhhh, is… there a problem, ma'am?"

* * *

**None of these ghosts are sane. They're all varying degrees of dumbass. And we love them for it.**


End file.
